Janne (Aenne Schwarz) and Piet (Andreas Dohler) are a couple of thirty-something, struggling writers. They are planning to move out of the city and are doing up an old house. Janne meets an old friend, Robert (Tilo Nest), who owns a publishing company. He offers her a job as an editor. She tells him she will think about it. She meets Sissi (Lisa Haigmeister), Robert’s young wife, and her brother, Martin (Hans Lôw) briefly.
The B-roll of Los Angeles at night is quite good and the title cards are accurate. These are the only positives I can find in the absolute abomination that is passing itself off as a film, The Haunting of Sharon Tate. Everything about the man behind the camera and story and script, Daniel Farrands’ - I refuse to call him a filmmaker, director or writer on the strength of this - project, is bad.
The planet of Chitón is under the rule of a tyrannical dictator, General Skorba (Ferran Rañé) with a population of exactly 250 thousand. When Jan Chitón (Gonzalo de Castro) and his wife (Mireia Portas) have a child, they send him to Earth to escape the clutches of Skorba. Jan tells Skorba that when his son grows up, he will come back and free their people.
When a middle-aged couple, Jessie and Gerald Burlingame (Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood) go to a remote location to try and spice their marriage. As they drive, Gerald nearly hits a stray, hungry dog on the path to the house. Gerald has brought handcuffs and takes a Viagra tablet, planning for a kinky night of rough passion. As he starts to play, Jessie becomes uncomfortable and demands he let her out of the cuffs.
Laura (Yvonne Strahovski), along with her daughters, Kayla and Maddie (real-life sisters Anna and Abigail Priowsky) are going to stay at a lake house, getting away from the city for the weekend. Her husband, Shawn (Justin Bruening) is delayed and promises to meet them later that night. The three ladies go ahead.
When Marigold Tanner (Danielle Nicolet) has a mental breakdown at work and is caught trying to steal a television, she gets sent to jail leaving her two daughters, Deidra (Ashleigh Murray) a genius level, high schooler, Laney (Rachel Crow) her unpopular younger sister and Jet (Lance Gray) their little brother, to fend for themselves.
I am not a particularly religious person. A doctrine that invites self-flagellation is not for me, who needs to find reasons to punish themselves? Not me. That being said, people like to punish themselves even if it is in a roundabout way. Some drink too much, some take drugs, others are risk takers, lovers of danger. There is also the punishment of avoidance, not doing things or taking an easier path. This is, perhaps, the most common self-punishment.
Less than five minutes into Deadly Detention, a Netflix teen horror flick, and I knew it was going to be eye-wateringly awful. It opens with a girl running from an unseen threat, along narrow corridors in an abandoned building. We get a title card: Three days ago. We are on a bus with five teenagers. They are being driven to Wayview prison by Pete (Kevin Blake), who has a shrine a deceased student, Jenny Duke on the dashboard. Wayview, an old, now closed, prison, is to be used for Saturday detention.
When asking someone to rate something between one and ten, a score below six would be considered poor. Even a five-point-nine would make you think twice about watching a show. It’s like less than three stars, you wouldn’t stay in a hotel with less than three stars.