Um, okay. I was not searching for it, though I always suspected it was out there. Up until this point, Alien Warfare had edged it as the worse film on Netflix.
There had been some worthy challengers; Handsome—a laugh-free comedy. Peelers—an inept horror/comedy not even saved by liberal nudity. Day of the Dead: Bloodline—a zombie “horror,” really came close to taking the crown. Still, I felt that Alien Warfare remained, by virtue of the truly awful story and acting, not to mention the cheapness of production, the true holder of the title for the worst film. Until now.
Today, in the year of our lord 2019, on Saturday, the 27th of July, I endured one of the worst excuses for a film I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Written and directed by Olivier Afonso, a quick peruse of his IMDB page shows that he is predominantly a special effects person. On this evidence, he should and must not give up his day job. Let me explain.
Ladies volleyball team, the Falcons, a disparate rabble, beat the Vipers in a final. One of their team, Morgane (Manon Azem), aggravates one of the Vipers players before the game. Morgane also ignores the team captain’s, Hazuki (Anne-Solenne Hatte), gameplay orders, deciding to execute her own plan, pushing Jeanne (Tiphaine Daviot) to the floor and stepping on M.A (Louise Blachére) to hit the winning shot.
As the girls celebrate, Serge (Joffery Verbruggen), the team physio, comes over to celebrate with Jeanne in particular. Coach (Victor Artus Solaro), who is celebrating with the rest of the team, notes that he did not know Jeanne and Serge were together. Serge goes to look after another girl. Jeanne is approached by a scout. He gives her his card, as he thinks she is a talented player.
The Vipers are not happy about the result and chase the team out of the building. The Falcons jump on the team bus and drive off. On the bus, Lise (Camille Razat), lets it slip that Jeanne was scouted at the game, much to Morgane’s disgust. Tatiana (Margot Dufrene) and Dany (Dany Verissimo-Petit) are an item.
The bus breaks down and the ladies take a toilet break as Dany fixes it. Somebody is watching the ladies. They keep on driving. They take a detour, as the road they were travelling on is closed. They end up going to a very odd bar. The bar is full of misfits, all of whom are men. They stare at the women as they come in.
The barman (Denis Lavant) does not say anything as they speak to him, giving the coach a drink and staring at Tatiana. Morgane, ever the attention seeker, starts dancing on a table. A young teen boy approaches the table. The barman licks Dany’s face, so Tatiana slaps him. Morgane slaps the boy and the team is forced to flee the bar.
The team stops for the night, sleeping on the bus. The next day they are confronted by the Barman and various miscreants from the bar. The Barman shoots Dany in the hand. Coach runs off, and the girls flee into the forest. The girls separate into two groups; Jeanne, Tatiana, Dany and Lise in one group and Morgane, M.A and Hazuki in the other.
As Dany tries to tell the girls how to survive in the forest, she is shot and killed. The rest of the girls run. In the other group, M.A and Morgane bicker, and Hazuki tries to control them as she goes to scope out their situation.
Tatiana decides she wants to go back for Dany, leaving Lise and Jeanne. Coach is reproaching himself for running off and leaving the girls. Lise confesses to Jeanne she slept with Serge. Jeanne is understandably furious.
Hazuki, Morgane, and M.A come across one of their pursuers. Hazuki has a plan of attack, but when it comes to it, Morgane proves to be a real coward. As the pursuer is beating on Hazuki and is about to kill her, M.A shoots him.
Lise, feeling guilty about sleeping with Serge and tells Jeanne that she will draw the pursuers away. She goes off in a different direction. The pursuers follow her. Jeanne comes across a scout troupe singing in the forest and tries to tell them of the danger. They do not take her seriously.
The pursuers come across the scout troupe. the scout leader grins at them and indicates the direction that Jeanne has gone in. The pursuers nod acknowledgment and then blow his head off.
Two of the pursuers catch up with Lise. She dances to prevent them from killing her. They knock her unconscious. Hazuki, Morgane, and M.A come to a lake and get attacked again. M.A is knocked out and Hazuki is being drowned by the assailant. Morgane cuts his head off. She then accidentally stabs Hazuki. Realising she cannot save her, she deliberately stabs and kills her.
She tells M.A that the assailant killed her. Tatiana has returned to the bar and sees the Barman putting body parts through a grinder. She almost gets caught in the garage but fights her way out. She immediately crashes the car.
M.A, Morgane, and Jeanne find one another. They go back to their bus. They attack the pursuers with volleyballs, taking them out. The pursuers get up and chase them. They catch Morgane. M.A and Jeanne are left to try and rescue everyone.
In the bar, the Barman has Morgane, Tatiana and Lise tied up and is deciding who to kill first. Jeanne finds a gun and sneaks into the bar. The Barman picks Morgane to kill first. Morgane, never a team player, begs him to kill Tatiana first.
The Barman goes to kill Tatiana but is interrupted by Jeanne blowing the head off one of the other bar miscreants. The Barman flees. Tatiana breaks out of her restraints and pursues the Barman. M.A, Jeanne and a freed Lise fight the men in the bar. Morgane is still restrained. Coach crashes into the bar. Coach starts beating all of the men up. Morgane is free and grabs a knife.
Morgane tries to escape but is stopped by Lise. She stabs Lise. Morgane is grabbed by one of the bar miscreants as Jeanne goes to tend to a dying Lise. Tatiana catches up with the Barman and kills him.
Jeanne and Morgane fight and Jeanne bests her. Coach tells the girls to get out of the bar. He blows up the bar. Tatiana, Jeanne, and M.A go and see Serge. Jeanne kicks him in the groin. The end.
Girls With Balls—I know, I know, it is a title that screams “terrible film!”—is utter tripe. I am not sure I can convey just how utterly rubbish this film is. The film is seventy-seven minutes long and feels about three hours long.
Even in the runtime, the film was padded with a god-awful “cowboy,” played by Orelsan—never heard of him, will not be checking him out either—who sang “amusing” ditties about the Falcons and their story. That took up about ten minutes of runtime.
The story I relate above makes more sense than watching the damn film. It is billed as a horror-comedy, but it has neither. No part of the film is funny and the horror is early-eighties style lazy, with just an over-reliance on blood splatter and severed heads.
Let’s talk about the story. There isn’t one. In a sentence, a team of women drive into a forest and are hunted and killed for fun. That is it. Not that a horror film needs a great story, but a little structure would not go amiss.
The acting in the film is actually not too bad. Given the material and the shocking filming, the actors are actually a credit to their profession. They should though, all find new agents. No one should be subject to this kind of tripe to make a living.
Girls With Balls has an attractive cast who gamely commit to Afonso’s ludicrous script. The script and the directing prove too much of a burden, their unwavering commitment to the cause unable to save or inject any sort of life into the film.
Girls With Balls is a truly terrible film. Even with everyone trying to make it work and the acting a definite cut above the laborious efforts in Alien Warfare, Girls With Balls is, nonetheless an awful, mind-numbingly, painful viewing experience.
Do not watch this film, there really is not enough alcohol to get through it. You have been warned.